Next 10 Myths of Being a “Real Man”
#11-20
Kevin Barwick, LCPC
June 2008

    The following is a compilation of several myths that I have often heard throughout my years in private practice. Sometimes men can’t believe that there is an alternate “truth.” They were “taught” certain perspectives, and never questioned it.
    Men usually feel genuine relief and validation to know the reasons why their myths didn’t work! They start to believe that they don’t have to hold on to them anymore. The comments given are short, and not intended to provide an exhaustive explanation. It is only intended to highlight another perspective, albeit with merit, practicality, and some insight. Enjoy!

1. If a man would just “be himself,” he will attract the right woman. It’s not that easy. One problem is that a man often doesn’t know who he is inside, and therefore cannot feel relaxed into attracting a woman into his life. There is truth, however, in that a man needs to find his confidence to be “attractive.” Most women don’t want a phony weak man, unless she plans to control him!
2. A lot of sex and a lot of money define the worth of a man. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s unfortunate that our culture has bred this belief for many decades now. The worth of a man comes from his heart, i.e. his interior, not his exterior.
3. A man only needs to let God fill him up in order to be satisfied in life. It has been very misleading for men to belief this. In essence, it abdicates his personal responsibilities, and places them on God to fulfill. I was once told by a spiritual teacher to not pray for anything that I can do for myself.
4. A man will and should always know how to sexually satisfy a woman. A man was not born with a sexual manual. The only “manual” I got was written on the locker room walls. The truth is that a man needs to be open to learning about the needs and desires of his woman. She is an individual and unique.
5. Lovingly relating to a woman is not so difficult to cultivate. As said above, i.e. that your woman is an individual and unique does not preclude that it will take some work to effectively and lovingly relate to her. Usually men are not taught to “lovingly” relate. Instead, when men are “triggered” in some way, they often resort to dirty-fighting tactics to get their point across, or simply act out their frustrations.
6. A man should always give to his woman, whether she asks for it or not. This myth forgets that a relationship is a two-way street, i.e. it’s sometimes giving and sometimes taking. A man may have a certain need, and therefore, needs to “take,” or welcome it into himself. Just to be clear, this “taking” is never forced!
7. If a woman really loves a man, she will always respect and sexually want him in return. This would be great if this were true. But alas, there are no Stepford Wives left. The truth is that a woman may truly be loving her man, but not be in the mood to have sex. Men need to be clear not to equate loving with sexual expression from a woman.
8. A man must love his woman as if she is the only woman on the planet. Not so much of a reality, since women outnumber men 4 to 1. The point is, however, that men are “attracted” to many kinds of women. It is unrealistic and impractical to believe that a man is to put all of his energy into one woman. No, this is not a license to be unfaithful! It is, however, unrealistic for a woman to expect and demand this from her man.
9. A man must be careful to never show his true feelings, as this is a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, men have been taught that showing feelings other than anger is a sign of weakness. The truth is that for a man to honestly connect with his deeper feelings of sadness, fear, shame, love and joy, is a true sign of confidence and masculinity. Never bottle them up to prove a point, but express them with the intention of helping yourself and the other person, while solving the problem.
10. The important people, i.e. a man’s family and friends, will truly know him by virtue of the fact that they do things together. It is true that some traits and knowledge might be known when men do things together. However, men need to dig deeper, and reveal more of who they are, i.e. their thoughts and perceptions about a topic, what feelings come up around an issue, etc. And men need to not defensively argue, but to stay open and dialogue more freely with each other.
11. A man and woman should always think alike in order to grow closer in their relationship. Men and women will never think alike! God didn’t intend us to think alike. We do, however, need to think together, i.e. respecting each other’s perspectives, personalities and needs. Growing closer is the resulting gift when two people can do this!
12. A father should never be angry in front of the kids. This is true, if a father cannot constructively be angry in front of his kids. The truth of the matter is that a father would give an incredible life long gift to his kids if he were to channel his anger toward positive means while the kids were present. The world has too many men that express themselves selfishly and impulsively, thereby hurting their kids.
13. Real masculinity is the attainment of people, possessions, power. Most men don’t consciously believe this. But all too often, many men believe this subconsciously, i.e. attainment or accumulation (of anything) implies that he doesn’t have it, and I’m better than you!
14. A man must look good (and “hang well”) for a woman to want him in return. Stop thinking that you must be another Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt to be attractive. Deep attraction is drawn from the inside of a man, not the outside. And, it’s true, some women have a “thing” for size. But according to Sex: A Man’s Guide, most women want their man’s penis to be functional, more than big. Relax…
15.  If a man would just “put his mind to it,” he can achieve anything he wants. Unfortunately, the “anything” is often unrealistic and/or unproductive in nature. It is true that a man often limits himself of true potential. But it is more realistic and attainable for him to put his “mind” into his strengths, and find fulfillment in the process. Strive for a balance of practicality and fulfillment.
16. A woman needs her man to make her feel secure by making a lot of money. Women, above anything else, want to feel secure with their man. However, their security doesn’t lie in larger accumulations of wealth. Their security comes from how they can confidently trust their men when it comes to his integrity, i.e. decision-making, honesty, attention that he gives her, personal values, etc. In other words, she will feel secure when she can trust her man through and through.
17. A man is responsible for his woman’s feelings. You may have heard something similar to this, “You made me angry (or sad, scared)!” The truth is that no one can make you feel anything! Her feelings are her choice. Just to be clear, a man certainly may influence a reaction in his woman. But he is not responsible for it. This does not give him permission, however, to act like a jerk, and accuse her of overreacting.
18. Once a man falls in love with a woman, he will always be “in love” with her, no matter what happens in the relationship. Not true! Don’t get me wrong! I’m not advocating finding someone else when there’s no “love” in the relationship. The truth is that “love” is a feeling. And the nature of feelings is that they come and go. You may, at times, feel out of love with her. That’s normal. One goal in relationships is to create and maintain more times of close loving connections. Acting out love toward her often creates feelings of love for her.
19. Our past relationships mean nothing in our current relationship     together. It shouldn’t, but it often does! Often times there is jealously, fears, comparisons, etc. that creep in and sabotage a relationship. It’s important to learn from our past relationships, but never to bring them in between you two! Let your relationship history reflect who you are in the NOW, and therefore create your future together.
20. The world doesn’t need my help to change! I’m sure this has been the mindset of people who thought very little of themselves. The truth is that the world needs men to act like men and take responsibility. The world needs strong healthy fathers to raise strong healthy kids. The world needs open-minded patient men to be leaders in their families and communities. Men need to believe that their “small” efforts do make a difference in the world!

      
Anew Place Counseling Service, Inc.
Kevin Barwick, LCPC
www.AnewPlace.info
KevinBarwick@AnewPlace.inf
301-552-6688